Spammity Spam the Magnificent Seventh

Egads, it’s been a long time since I’ve done one of these! But I went to check my spam filter today and, once I’d deleted a heinous amount of the typical filthy offenders, found some that were uniquely odd and shareable.

First, we have a mostly boring one in which fantastic words suddenly appear without warning. From jimmimugh:

You can expend the magnitude in profitable off your telephony bills, through with which they will retrieve the loan amount of money on your next payday. Today, this kind of payday loan is hard offered online for your cash speedily due to a ephemeral lack of pecuniary resource. The finances are not allowed if contented loan postulation kind on-line and state it.

Telephony bills. Ephemeral lack of pecuniary resource. Postulation. Words that need more everyday usage.

And then there were the Spambot Poets. Practitioners of a rare art, in which the unplanned juxtapositions of common verbiage fall into aesthetic patterns vaguely resembling order and tempting us with the illusory possibility of meaning.

Oh drat, they even brought out the lapsed English major in me.

Perhaps , the feeling is nutrition , communication is rain , love flowers , in a heartbeat that moment on, your appreciation , my love, your good heart , my love more deeply embrace the moment , write down the temperature I have fond memories of your lifetime , drag on forever , pain and miss .

And…

I think it must be very far distant place, and how far the distance , I do not know , maybe the Twins distance , across a few mountains ; perhaps the heart of the distance, life can not reach shore.

One question, though: what’s “the Twins distance”? The distance one can throw a Minnesota Twin?

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Spammity Spam VI

After eight Spammity Spam posts stretching back to November of 2011, the same ol’ spambot-with-bad-grammar-and-empty-praise shtick isn’t enough to entertain anymore. Inarticulate wording and the occasional amusing phrase would just be more of the same. After all, what’s the point of making fun of this one, from “Rochel Mitschke:”

I view something really interesting about your web site so I bookmarked.

Boring, ain’t it? You guys are sophisticated readers; some of you have even been posting the crazy spambot comments from your own blogs! Your standards have undoubtedly gone up.

And besides, my self-esteem isn’t quite so low that I need the raving compliments of spambot Leonel Swearngin to feel better about my crippling failures as a blogger:

I really appreciate this post. I have been looking everywhere for this! Thank goodness I found it on Bing. You have made my day! Thank you again!

Then there are the ones that pretend to flirt with you under the cover of asking for advice, like—get this name—Guadalupe Tishler:

hi!,I like your writing so much! share we communicate more about your article on AOL? I require a specialist on this area to solve my problem. Maybe that’s you! Looking forward to see you.

Share we communicate? Let’s not use Engrish, my friend, it’s not considered polite anymore.

It’s mostly the names I like. The blandest robot comment can have the most inventive names. Some could be real, like Rochel and Guadalupe. Some are just…Leonel Swearngin. And then, sometimes, the most amazing comments come with a fairly uninteresting name. Like this one, from silver price. The “price” makes it boring, like a supermarket discount. But what does silver price say? After close inspection, I believe he is describing a medieval-rock fantasy movie. How else to explain it? It must have been made in the ’80s.

The leader of the group X-Laws, Iron Maiden Jeanne , is a French girl who receives a divine revelation while praying in church that she must purge an evil force or the world will be destroyed.

Impressive, no? Almost makes it all worth it.

But I keep coming back to that Leonel Swearngin. He sounds like a lost member of the A-Team. Leonel “Leo” Swearngin. Is that action-disco music I hear?

Who’s the tough-talkin’ merc
That’s a lion to all the jerks?
Leo, Leo Swearngin

Who likes swearing
as much as he likes gin?
Leo…Leo Swearngin!

Spammity Rattling Spam V

In this next installment of my increasingly arbitrarily-numbered Spammity Spam series, I present an example of something that seems to be developing into a trend. A rattling trend.

cam prom dress says:

Observe up the monumental hunk of process, I show handful points on this internet site also I deem that your net scene is rattling stimulating furthermore has places of splendid news.

Neither myself nor my “process” (whatever that is) will ever accurately be described as a “monumental hunk,” but I’m glad this blog provides splendid news. Or rather, has places of splendid news.

Spammity Spam IV – I got an edginess over that

I held spambot krankenversicherung prisoner on my web site until he made his suggestion, but he was still unsure about it:

I just could not depart your web site before suggesting that I really loved the usual information a person provide to your visitors? Is gonna be back regularly in order to investigate cross-check new posts

If I ever get a German Shepherd, I think I’ll name him Krankenversicherung. Krankie for short.

Also, it appears that I am too complex and extremely broad for dogs101, though I make being so seem easy. If he comes back, I’ll see if I can buy a German Shepherd from him. But only if he stops calling me “broad.” There are a number of ways to interpret that adjective applied to a person, and none of them are polite.

You actually make it seem really easy with your presentation but I find this topic to be really one thing which I think I might never understand. It kind of feels too complex and extremely broad for me. I’m taking a look ahead for your next put up, I will try to get the cling of it!

I initially read “cling of” as Klingon, which only led to more disappointment.

This presumably-single Southern spambot, divorceingeorgia, apparently thinks I run a webcomic, though how she can tell when her own English reads like that, I dunno. It’s probably because she’s so ill, doubtless.

I loved as much as you’ll receive carried out right here. The comic strip is attractive, your authored material stylish. however, you command get got an edginess over that you wish be handing over the following. sick without a doubt come more previously once more since exactly the similar nearly very regularly inside of case you shield this increase.

Wait a sec…who would marry a spambot in the first place?

Inner Self: “Someone stupid enough to name a German Shepherd anything reminiscent of anger or a bad temper.”

Hm…beagle it is, then.

…still named Krankie.

Spammity Spam III.75 (‘cuz I don’t want to look up the Roman Numeral for 75)

I was just blessed with another goofy spam comment today. Linkbuildingservice writes:

Magnificent beat ! I wish to apprentice while you amend your site, how can i subscribe for a blog website? The account aided me a appropriate deal. I were tiny bit acquainted of this your broadcast offered brilliant clear idea

Unfortunately, grammatically-challenged sir (or ma’am…spam…ma’am spam…), I am not taking apprentices at this time. I am, however, very glad to have aided you an appropriate deal, and I thank you very much for suggesting the term “magnificent beat.” If I ever start a band, that will be on the shortlist for its name.

Spammity Spam III

Just received this wonderful non sequitur on the “Christmas Legend” by Frank Sidgwick post.

The baby watches and feels the lift and instinctively knows his mother is showing him something important.

Uh-huh. Okay. So…what are you selling, exactly, Ms. Kaylee Macey Lampucende, with your Cyrillic and spartan website (glimpsed carefully through a Firefox preview)? Or perhaps I’d rather not find out.

Spammity Spam Dos

In some of my posts you will learn neat things. Things about authors you hadn’t heard of, or movies you may not have seen. Historical trivia and analysis of medieval heroes, or perhaps theories on how to read by some of the best authors in the English language.

In this post, you will laugh at some more dumb spam comments.

On my post on Chapter 3 of C.S. Lewis’ An Experiment in Criticism:

I don’t even understand how I ended up here, but I assumed this publish was great. I do not recognise who you might be however certainly you are going to a famous blogger if you aren’t already. Cheers!

Isn’t that great? This spambot doesn’t even pretend to have read the post, or even to have sentience. It just jumps straight to the empty and irrelevant flattery. This is perhaps the most honest one I’ve received yet.

On my posting of Frank Sidgwick’s “A Christmas Legend”:

This web site is really a stroll-through for all the info you wanted about this and didn’t know who to ask. Glimpse right here, and also you’ll undoubtedly uncover it.

This one’s mostly amusing because of the “stroll-through.” I may have to use that phrase. Superlative slang of spambots, Samuel Johnson! An unthinking computer program just enhanced my diction!

On my review of Peter Beagle’s The Last Unicorn:

Moving and effective! Youve certainly got a way of reaching individuals that I havent seen quite frequently. If most people wrote about this subject with the eloquence that you just did, Im sure men and women would do much more than just read, theyd act. Fantastic stuff here. Please keep it up.

Now I know that review was pretty good — it received some very kind comments and contains a few nice turns of phrase. But apparently, it’s also the key to real change and peace in the world. Get the news out, people! Maybe if the leaders of Iran, North Korea, etcetera only read this review of mine, the power of unicorns magnified to the power of David would cause them to repent of their dastardly ways!

*sideways glance*

Nah, the spambot’s unfamiliarity with apostrophes invalidates its argument. Besides, apparently I’m only good at reaching individuals that it doesn’t see frequently.

Spammity Spam

My blog has been hit by thousands of spam comments over its short run, and I’m very grateful for WordPress’ spam catcher for the awesome job it does. Normally I just delete all the ones that show up in my comments feed so that you guys never have to see them. However, one I received today was just so hilarious, so iconically spammy, that I decided to share it.

Behold the scattershot vagueness! Behold the broken English! Behold the irrelevant flattery! Behold the empty promises to return!

Howdy! Really very good topic matter, your web web site fails to display screen on FF4 toy with. Does indeed any equipment prohibit the IP address? Appreciate it. It is remarkable, seeking in the time and effort you put into your post and detailed info you offer. I’ll bookmark your post and check out it weekly for your new posts. I hope you in no way cease! This really is among the very best topics I’ve ever read. You might have got some mad skill here, man. I just hope which you don’t shed your style due to the fact you are surely among the coolest posters available.

(followed by links to sales for women’s jackets)

My favorite is “I hope you in no way cease!” Me too, buddy, but my friend Ponce de Leon still hasn’t found the Fountain of Youth, so I’m afraid one day I will. But only with this life, of course. I suppose the spammer could be referring to the next life, where I certainly shall not cease to be in God’s presence. Could this spam actually contain a flicker of philosophy?

Nah.